Finding Meaning Where There is None

It’s time that I levelled with you again.

I’m a hypocrite.

Fortunately, we all are, but I still thought I would confess my most recent hypocrisy to you tonight.

I’ve talked to you about fear.  I’ve talked to you about believing in happily ever after, and not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’ve talked to you about not letting fear paralyze you.

So, it may or may not surprise you to know that I’ve taken the opposite of my advice on all three counts.

Two days ago, I was sitting in my classroom, realizing that I was holding back, shying away from things I knew I could be doing.  I was acting tentatively, not wanting to get settled in or comfortable, because I was waiting for everything to fall apart.

I was drawing parallels to the situation I left, and finding meaning where there likely is none.  What if things happen the same way this winter?  What if it all falls apart?  What if history repeats itself?

What if?  What if?

All over again.

Sometimes I need to take my own advice.  And sometimes I’m glad that my friends are kind enough not to throw my own words back into my face.

It’s one thing to know something intellectually, but it’s a whole other thing to live it, all the time.  Fear is sneaky.  That hesitancy, those “what if’s” have a way of sneaking in, after they’ve been friends (or at least familiar) for so long.

My first instinct is panic–here is fear, with a capital F!  I worry that I’ve let it slip in, then become angry at myself.  I thought I was beyond this!

But then, maybe fear is just a normal part of the human condition, regardless of how perfect we aspire to be.  Maybe it is something that will keep coming back, keep sneaking in.  If that is the case, then maybe the solution is not to overthink and become critical of ourselves, but to feel the fear…and move forward anyway.

And that is exactly what I’m doing.  I don’t regret giving life my best, before it all went downhill last winter.  Bad things can happen.  This winter could very well be as bad as last winter.  But will it be any easier, if I shy away and hide in the shadows?  No matter what happens, I will still feel better if I know that I gave it my all.

So, let’s all give it everything tonight.  Life is too short to spend locked inside, letting fear get the best of us.

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Please check out my guest post on Pick The Brain, How to Overcome Fear and Live Your Dreams.

16 thoughts on “Finding Meaning Where There is None

  1. I was going to say “we all are” but then you wrote it yourself! I can relate. I spent years basically in complete self-isolation out of fear of judgement, fear of whatever. But not anymore. Not tonight…

  2. I don’t think I would call you a hypocrite, that title is reserved for my soon to be ex-husband the biggest hypocrite I have ever met. He knows he is and does not care. You however, are aware of the things that keep you from enjoying life totally (fear of judgment etc) and are constantly striving to change. Several years ago we moved out to the country and I wanted to make friends with the neighbors who were not the most welcoming people on the planet. My husband said not to bother, just be a waving neighbor, so that is what I did, listened to him cause he knew right? Well, guess what now he is over their house watchful baseball, etc. That’s a hypocrite. Even though I don’t know you I can tell you are a kind soul whose just striving for the best life for herself and family. Sorry I have a tendency to rant. I do enjoy your blog and look forward to it.

  3. Well put Brosselit and you’re not alone. I think even when we feel we’ve conquered a lot of our fear, it seems to have a way of slipping past our guard.

    I think the key is catching it like you did, right away, and learning what to do next time. You do know there will be a next time, right? hahaha 🙂

  4. I’ve found that the more fears I conquer, the easier it gets to conquer the next one. I doubt they’ll ever be gone entirely, but for me, it’s a huge difference than even just a few years ago.

  5. I have found that the concepts and ideas that bloggers write about are the very concepts and ideas that they are working on in their lives. You are sharing your journey as you wrestle with your challenges; it is no surprise that many of us see our own struggle in your words.

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