I love our new life. I really do. It’s beautiful, sunny, and everyday can feel like vacation. In fact, our first month here was absolutely euphoric.
However, recently, I’ve found myself back on the emotional roller coaster. I always had an excuse for being fearful or anxious, but it seemed that I was missing something, as my emotions went from one extreme to the other. I thought that perhaps the thing I was missing, was that I was actually going crazy.
Which of course led to me deconstructing myself and potentially causing a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But then, this week, it occurred to me. If we assume for a moment that I actually am human, then we should acknowledge the obvious.
I lived in the same area, of the same state, for 34 years. I worked in the same job for 10. And I emptied out my house, got rid of at least 90% of my possessions, kept my beloved Moonraker in storage (remember, 2 years ago, I told you that Moonraker was my soul–apparently it isn’t), loaded up our station wagon and moved from a two traffic light town to the fourth largest city in the U.S.
In our new reality:
- I live in a state I had never even visited.
- I work in a school that is larger than the entire district, where I worked before.
- I do not speak the majority of my students’ native language.
- Beanie’s school looks like a high school, to me.
- Our family and friends are over 1000 miles away.
- There is absolutely nothing that is familiar, except for Rob, Beanie, and the darned cat.
I should probably be more concerned about myself, if I wasn’t feeling fearful sometimes, if I never doubted myself after making such a huge change. Uprooting everything will cause some strong emotions.
And yet, I do not regret our decision–I don’t even question it. True, I am not always brave, but I am still glad to be here. I can enjoy the roller coaster ride between the euphoria of having actually made this change, and the fears and doubts about the unfamiliarity. I can enjoy this part of the world–this part of my own country–that I have never seen before. I needed change and newness, to satisfy my curious spirit. The challenges are not only surmountable; they will be wonderful.