Reality Sinks In

I love our new life.  I really do.  It’s beautiful, sunny, and everyday can feel like vacation.  In fact, our first month here was absolutely euphoric.

However, recently, I’ve found myself back on the emotional roller coaster.  I always had an excuse for being fearful or anxious, but it seemed that I was missing something, as my emotions went from one extreme to the other.  I thought that perhaps the thing I was missing, was that I was actually going crazy.

Which of course led to me deconstructing myself and potentially causing a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But then, this week, it occurred to me.  If we assume for a moment that I actually am human, then we should acknowledge the obvious.

I lived in the same area, of the same state, for 34 years.  I worked in the same job for 10.  And I emptied out my house, got rid of at least 90% of my possessions, kept my beloved Moonraker in storage (remember, 2 years ago, I told you that Moonraker was my soul–apparently it isn’t), loaded up our station wagon and moved from a two traffic light town to the fourth largest city in the U.S.

In our new reality:

  • I live in a state I had never even visited.
  • I work in a school that is larger than the entire district, where I worked before.
  • I do not speak the majority of my students’ native language.
  • Beanie’s school looks like a high school, to me.
  • Our family and friends are over 1000 miles away.
  • There is absolutely nothing that is familiar, except for Rob, Beanie, and the darned cat.

I should probably be more concerned about myself, if I wasn’t feeling fearful sometimes, if I never doubted myself after making such a huge change.  Uprooting everything will cause some strong emotions.

And yet, I do not regret our decision–I don’t even question it.  True, I am not always brave, but I am still glad to be here.  I can enjoy the roller coaster ride between the euphoria of having actually made this change, and the fears and doubts about the unfamiliarity.  I can enjoy this part of the world–this part of my own country–that I have never seen before.  I needed change and newness, to satisfy my curious spirit.   The challenges are not only surmountable; they will be wonderful.

So, please, don’t ever let doubt and fear hold you back from making changes and taking risks.  Know that you will feel those things, but it will also be so amazing that you can’t help but enjoy the ride.


17 thoughts on “Reality Sinks In

  1. I know the journey of which you speak. It happened to me 35 years ago, moving from Memphis, to Phoenix then on to Los Angeles. It was culture shock. Phoenix was a piece of cake. LA shock me to the core. I too thought I was losing my mind. Even after 20 years there, It was never home. I also understand fear and anxiety. They kept me in two bad marriages for way too long. Now, even if the worst possible outcome happens, it was worth the ride and the gamble. Hang in there. We are in your corner rooting for you. The best rides are scary. 🙂

    • The best rides are scary, I like that.

      It’s sad how we keep ourselves in bad situations, out of fear. The worst case scenario is almost never as bad as not leaving, when we need to.

  2. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a risk. I moved to Oregon completely sight-unseen from Louisiana. Friends and family were a bit freaked that I would move across the country to somewhere I’d never even visited. It was scary, but I’ve never regretted it.

    • Louisiana to Oregon is pretty epic. Of course I’ve been to neither place! I work with a lot of people from Louisiana, so I might have to check it out. 😉

  3. Bethany!!! When you said that nothing is familiar, it reminds me of why it is we are so exhausted after vacations. When nothing is familiar, everything is a decision. And decisions take a lot of brain work and a ton of energy. Our brains hate making too many decisions, so we form habits. Hopefully, they are good ones. Hang in there, Bethany! It’s been great for us, our marriage and out growth. Have a frilly one!

    • Yes, I think the number of decisions are overwhelming me! My brain is getting full, and things are falling out…Once things settle into a routine, I think I’ll be less scatterbrained!

  4. What great reminders, Bethany. I read Jonathan Field’s Uncertainty back when we were starting the blog, and I felt it was the right book at the right time. I think that for many this post will be the right post at the right time! Thank you for writing.

  5. You said Moonraker isn’t your soul, does that mean you are selling Moonraker? Don’t worry, you have all you need. I’ve moved 2,500 + miles from family and was fine only because I had at least one person in my corner on each move. You have 2. A fresh start can be a good thing, and part of what you are feeling is probably homesickness of the familiarity of those things and people you left behind, but you did it to grow which is a good thing.

    • Probably, yes. We’ll look for something slightly larger (and affordable, since we can live here while fixing it up). But if we don’t have it by summer–or if we’re just in the mood–we’ll motor down that river. Sailboats sell faster here, so if we want to take the trip, it might workout well for us.

  6. I’ve thought a lot about moving to TX, and imagine it can be exhausting and stressful at times. We should hear more on our TX job possibility next week.

  7. This is such a good reminder that so many things in life are not black or white. Not knowing which is which can be unsettling at first (a bit like being aboard a sailboat and trying to find your footing, which we’re just getting used to ourselves), but I’m glad you’ve gone with the flow and are happy with the outcome. I’m also glad to learn about your blog and I look forward to reading more from you!

  8. That is so true Bethany. You are going to feel the fear either way, but the benefit of change is that you get to experience something new, and something potentially life changing. It is so wonderful how honest you are about your emotional experiences throughout this change (and life in general)

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