The past seven months have been an incredible journey for me. It’s incredible, because I know it’s leading somewhere amazing. However, it has mainly been a journey through doubt and uncertainty. And this journey through the darkness culminated in my experiences of the last two days.
Throughout the changes I have experienced, I have had the recurring notion that all of the pre-conceived ideas I’ve held about myself are false, and that I really am capable of much more than I have allowed myself. That we all are capable of much more than we allow ourselves.
This notion would appear with such intensity, that I could see it, or feel it on many occasions. I had the understanding of what I had overcome in my past, with the image of wind–symbolizing life–coming to mind. And the understanding of my strength and potential, with the image of a ball of fire. These images didn’t just apply to me, but to everyone, if we could only access the power that we all have. If we could only get past our self-imposed limitations.
And it was those limitations that kept pulling me back. I wasn’t good enough. Who was I to presume that I was capable of anything? Who was I? Did I not realize how flawed, how imperfect I was?
I was unworthy. Unworthy of everything. Unworthy of anything but the mediocre existence I was experiencing.
I fought and struggled against this feeling of unworthiness, as I made the decision to leave my job and the only part of the country I’ve ever known. I would gain ground, then lose it, becoming withdrawn as I fought against my own inner demons.
The day I announced to all of you that I was leaving, was a milestone. It took a lot of fighting with myself to get there, to feel worthy of this dream I was pursuing. But that wasn’t the happy ending.
I’ve continued to struggle, to have to fight. I have had amazing realizations about human nature, about life. And I’ve had many dark nights, where I’ve questioned it all.
The past two days were some of the darkest. I was facing the possibility of being homeless, but not on purpose. I was facing the possibility to living somewhere unsafe, and sending my daughter to a school in a bad part of town.
I questioned my decision to leave, my decision to jeopardize my family’s safety so that I might pursue my dreams.
It was a dark time. I was not alone my any means, but I felt alone. I was unable to feel or comprehend the kind words of those who loved me. I felt alone, forsaken, hopeless.
Then, gradually, as I sat with my fears and emotions, I began to realize that we would find a path. That there were options we had not considered, RV parks out of our initial price range, extended stay hotels, and so on. I accepted the worst case scenario, and made the best of it.
Then, I felt something I had not felt before–emptiness. Mirroring the emptiness in the house surrounding us, my mind began to feel empty too. Emptiness is not the same thing as numbness–I’ve felt a lot of numbness over the years, as I was not living in accordance with my dreams and values. But my thoughts were always cluttered. I wrote and wrote, trying to sort it all out, but it never was sorted out.
But this beautiful, beautiful emptiness. I saw that most of my realizations were only partially correct, that I really knew nothing about life and the universe. That it was much more than I was capable of understanding. That we’re all interconnected in ways beyond comprehension. There is no reason for what-if’s, because everything happens as it does, for some incomprehensible reason. That everything in my life has mattered, and it is leading up to this.
Then, there was that feeling of strength. I had been shying away from it, because I didn’t understand or trust it. But, when I accepted it, it brought forth a myriad of questions: Who am I? What is it that I am supposed to do, if I’m so strong? Why?
Then, came the answer from within, from deep within the emptiness: Shhhhh….. No more questions. Emptiness is not knowing. Emptiness leaves room for creativity, for dancing. It leaves room for possibility.
Within emptiness, I no longer need to fight or to struggle. The dark night is over. Now, within the wonderful, empty space, I need to learn to smile, to laugh, to enjoy to moment. I need to let go of the fight. I am no longer drowning.
I made this decision, to let go, while I was cleaning the motor home. I was all right with whatever happened, knowing we could handle it. Knowing that we encountered the people we did, for a reason.
Less than 30 seconds later, the phone rang. The apartment manager had gone to bat for us.